There's Always Money in the Banana Stand

Coffs Harbour is a bigger place than Byron Bay, with a population of about 60,000. However, there are fewer backpackers here, and it seems like a quieter place. It's located about 200 km south from Byron Bay, still on the Pacific Coast. The mountains come close to the coast here, and the city is nestled in between the peaks and the waves.

They grow a lot of bananas here, and have been for a long time. Coffs is home to another one of the iconic Australian "Big Things." In this case, it's the Big Banana.

I spend three nights and two days in Coffs. The hostel I stayed at, the Aussitel Backpackers had the friendliest staff of any hostel I've ever visited. Except for an isolated incident, I really enjoyed my stay here.

Since Coffs is a fairly quiet town (especially compared to Byron), the hostel organized nightly activities to entertain its guests. The night I got there was Punch Night -- AU$6 for all you can drink punch and goone. After the punch was drained, we went to pub at Coffs Hotel to continue the revelry.

My bed was in an eight-person all-male dorm. These beds were occupied my first night in the hostel. One of the guys had way too much to drink. Apparently, he had also gotten his hands on some weed cookies from Nimbin (the hippie town located near Byron Bay -- I didn't go there because I'm not into that kind of stuff). So, the guy was messed up in several ways. Unlike this guy, I'm well aware of where my limits are when drinking, and didn't even really get drunk that night. Why am I telling you this? Soon you will see.

About four o'clock in the morning, while sleeping, I started to feel a little tinkling of liquid near my feet. I tried to figure out what was going on... was it raining? No, I was indoors. Sweat? No that's not it. Very strange. I groggily opened my eyes and saw a shadowy figure standing unsteadily at the end of my bed. He was swaying back and forth slightly. He was the source of the liquid. HE WAS PEEING ON ME.

I got out of bed. Even though six other people in the room were still sleeping, I raised my voice and ordered, "DUDE, GO TO THE TOILET." No response. I tried again. This guy was totally unresponsive. One of the guy's buddies heard me though. He said, "Sebastian!" and tried to wake the guy up in Danish. He started slapping the guy's face. The guy eventually stopped peeing, opened his eyes a bit, and proceeded to lay down in my bed... specifically in the little puddle he had created for himself. I'm not kidding. Could I be making this crazy stuff up? No way.

Eventually, his buddies got this guy into the bathroom and cleaned up a bit. The guy was wasted... so messed up he didn't know what he was doing. I got the sheets off my bed and threw them into the hallway. The mattress had to go to. I discovered that the bag of food I was keeping under my mattress was soaked through. That had to get chucked, too.

I washed off my feet. One of the guy's buddies apologized and offered me his own bed. The wasted guy passed out again. Soon the paramedics came to check him out. They didn't pump his stomach, but did manage to wake everyone up in the room again.

It was hard for me to go back to sleep. It was all just so weird.

In the morning, the urinator apologized to me. He said that he didn't remember anything from going to the pub to getting up in the morning. His buddies had to reconstruct his night for him. In fact, in the morning, the guy was still drunk. He gave me some money (AU$50) to replace the food he had soiled, the checked out of the hotel and I never saw him again thankfully. Apparently, he had to pay to replace the mattress, too -- AU$300 -- ouch.

People asked me why I didn't deck the guy who was peeing on me. I don't think it would have helped the situation. The guy didn't know what he was doing. I doubt he was even awake when doing it. I'm not a violent person, and don't want to go decking people just for making stupid mistakes. They fact that the guy had to pay AU$350 because of the stupid crap he did was satisfying enough for me.

The next day, people were asking me if I was the guy who got peed on. "Yes, it was me." The hostel was small, and rumours spread quickly. I was a bit of a celebrity.

The rest of my time in Coffs was pretty uneventful. I had spent a lot of money in Byron Bay and just wanted to lay low for a while. I rented a bike (AU$5 for a full day) and pedaled around for about two hours. Most of the ride was off road, and I enjoyed myself. I treated myself to Thai food the night after the incident to help me feel better. I bought some fancy beers. I canoed for a couple hours. I walked around the Botanical Gardens. I swam in the ocean.

One highlight of Coffs was the Big Banana of course. I cycled up there. I was excited to get frozen chocolate covered bananas. It reminded me of the show Arrested Development. They were very tasty! I can see how the Bluths used the Banana Stand to build up their business empire!

After all, there's always money in the Banana Stand.